It seems, as will often happen during an election cycle, that sexual issues have once again become a major source of news coverage, crazed commentary, and vitriolic rhetoric.
I've usually tried to avoid the deranged rantings of political pundits over the years. But today... I've decided to add to it. So in addition to endorsing a candidate for the highest office in the land, I will also add gratuitous and somewhat colorful commentary on each party.
ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So for those who don't follow politics, here's a quick overview of the recent political viewpoints concerning the governance of our various orifices, and why they are all (mostly) full of shit:
1) On the one hand you have Democrats who believe that in order to prevent the oppression of women we must save them from the "fatal" disease known as "PREGNANCY!"
In keeping with this belief, they claim (incorrectly) that women have the "right" to forcibly expel and exterminate living fetuses from their Uteri. Many Democrats (including our
President) even support
allowing doctors to deny care to fetuses that survive late term abortions.
In addition, Democrats claim the right to force employers to to pay for insurance plans that cover abortifacients and contraceptives, even if said employers religiously object to it. Democrats call this destruction of religious freedom "preventative care," but since most of the objecting Catholic organizations already cover contraceptives when they are prescribed for medical treatment (i.e. to treat Endometriosis), this whole fuss is essentially about forcing Catholic groups to pay for consequence-free boning...
Fighting for men's right to get laid women's right to choose!
This follows a tried and true strategy for politicians stuck in the middle of a recession: When people have no money, make it look like you're offering them free sex.
As much as free sex might appeal to a college-aged male like myself, the idea of more dead babies and restrictions on religion kind of overwhelms every other political or sexual consideration I might have.
2) On the other end of the aisle you have Republicans like Mitt Romney, all of whom are worried sick about the "fatal" prospect of another term for Barack Obama. They don't realize that they're not much better.
In order to draw contrasts with Obama's policies, they also have to claim a "
right" to to forcibly spout their
Objectivist/
Hayekian vomit on an unsuspecting public. They also have to claim to be "pro-life" whilst supporting medicaid cuts and essentially giving pregnant women and mothers the economic middle finger. Now I do believe that, as a whole, Republicans are more pro-life than Democrats (and thus they will regrettably receive every vote I ever cast. But there's a high level of hypocrisy involved when they try to end abortion on one hand, yet do nothing to help the daily lives of pregnant women on the other. And it's pretty hard for a woman to decide to keep her child when situations like
WOMEN BEING FORCED TO SHARE CUSTODY WITH THE MEN WHO RAPED THEM continue to occur. It seems like obvious problems such as the one above would be easy for Republicans to rally around and solve: It makes logical sense that women will have fewer abortions if they feel less financial and social pressure to do so. But since Republicans have prostituted themselves out to the Tea Party and aligned themselves with people who believe the government should stay ENTIRELY away from supporting the poor, they end up portraying themselves as cold and hateful people (as many of them are) because the normal republicans aren't numerous or powerful enough to offer realistic solutions. Normal Republicans are therefore forced to kowtow to the Teabaggers and act like they are totally conservatively hardcore. So wherever normal GOP'ers exist, they seem strange and indecisive because they're being forced to spout Misogynist bullshit and act like they actually believe it...
"Here's four words on how women can avoid rape: 'Barefoot. Pregnant. Kitchen. Cooking.'
Problem solved. (Unless you guys feel differently. I can go either way, doesn't matter)."
So I'm not really a supporter of Mitt Romney either...
3) And with the tragic circumstances of rape victims and their mistreatment by the GOP fresh in our minds, it is time turn ourselves to the ultimate representative of such idiocy, a man that would be most at home governing a congressional district with an average IQ of twenty. He is truly unique among Republicans, not merely for his ignorance of women's issues and disregard for science itself (which applies to most Republicans), but for the fact that his ignorance exceeds that of almost every right-winger. His incredible ignorance, combined with a complete inability to control his language during political events, has unleashed a wave of stupidity so overwhelming that it sated the hunger of every news outlet scavenging for evidence concerning the GOP's "War on Women."
War on Women as reported by the Huffington Post
This man has embarrassed himself in front of an entire nation, yet despite facing relentless opposition from all sides and boundless bipartisan criticism
despite the fact that he will probably never win an election in America ever again
despite the fact that he is now despised by at least half of the human race
He has refused to back down.
He has refused to resign from the Senatorial race. He has decided to persevere
This man has courage. But he is so much more than just a brave man.
He is a Pioneer.
Indeed, this man is attempting a feat that no man, Republican or Democrat, has ever accomplished:
In keeping with the highest traditions of political service, and in a spirit of American ingenuity, innovation, and perseverance, this man, (if he be a mere mortal) has set out to achieve what has for so long been considered impossible: He is the first man ever to attempt to win public office after having firmly planted his head up his ass. And it remains there to this day...
Who could not be moved by such courage, such fearless defiance? Like a deer facing the headlights of its demise, This hero, despite his minor flaws, stands before the onslaught, blind to the defects in his character, deluding himself that he still has a chance of winning, that he still has a chance to make a difference.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
Disconnected from reality. Misogynist.
True
American.
Join the movement
here!
Sincerely,
The Bigot.
P.S. For my next blog post, I will be outlining why abortions should be illegal in cases of rape, and in fact, for any reason outside of preserving the life of the mother. So be sure to stay tuned. =)
