I love the rosary. Don't get me wrong. But a lot of the meditations/mysteries are pretty lame. Especially the joyful mysteries. I mean, the visitation, really? A pregnant old lady feels a baby kick because the baby can hear Mary's voice (actually that's pretty cool). But still. I can't stand meditating on some of those mysteries. So I'm advocating a more masculine/hardcore set of gospel passages. I'm going to call them the badass mysteries of the rosary (for those of you that want them to have a more appropriate and prayerful sounding name, we'll call them the "Regal" mysteries).
So here's my set:
Badass (Regal) Mysteries of the Rosary:
1. Jesus tells His disciples to eat his flesh and drink His blood: (John 6, bread of life discourse):
Some of you Protestants are going "whoa, hey, Jesus meant it METAPHORICALLY!!!"
No He didn't.
If He had, he would've said that before his disciples started leaving Him. Instead, He emphatically repeated His statement, "Amen, Amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life within you."
So yeah. Deal.
Actually, Person. Jesus specifically.
2. Jesus claims to be the Messiah and his kinfolk almost throw him off a cliff. (Luke 4):
This is one of those stories that you really have to read the bible text (which I have here). It's practically out of a hollywood film: Jesus is in his hometown's synagogue and He reads this dramatic prophecy about the Messiah saving the world and stuff, a prophecy that's been read and cherished for hundreds of years. Jesus finishes the reading, sits down, and says,
"Today this prophecy has been fulfilled in your hearing."
He's pretty much saying, "Yeah, you know that passage of Holy prophecy you all have been reading for a million generations? I just fulfilled it, bitches. Right now. As I was reading it. That's right. I'm the Messiah."
He's among friends and family, so you'd think he'd have home field advantage. But no. The congregants are pissed. They think he's blaspheming in a synagogue, which is about as uncool as being a Westboro Baptist at the Folsom Street Fair.
Whips, chains, and shirtless gay guys. Oh my...
So Jesus pisses off an entire town. Eventually they have him cornered on a cliff and are about to toss him off. But being God and all, Jesus faces them down and walks away peacefully.
Because he can.
3. Jesus curses the fig tree (Matthew 21, Mark 11):
This was a really cool way for Jesus to create a teaching moment for His disciples. Jesus was hungry and was looking for some food. Whilst walking down a road, He comes upon a fig tree that has no figs on it. and curses it for not bearing fruit, because he was hungry (btw, figs weren't in season at the time).
On the surface, this makes Jesus look totally insane. But He didn't really just get pissed off at a tree. He wanted to show the power of faith. He explains later to His disciples that if they have enough faith, they too can curse fig trees and even move mountains. In other words, Jesus gave the disciples mad lawn-scaping skills.
"You're right, Peter - If we take out this fig tree, the road will be much more feng-shui."
The Apostles and their successors (the bishops) were from that moment on regarded as the best landscapers in the business, until they were driven into bankruptcy by the Franciscans and their money-grubbing ways...
4. Jesus Cleanses the Temple (Matthew 21, Mark 11, Luke 19, John 2):
In this passage, Jesus wails on a bunch of entrepreneurs that were selling stuff in the temple like sacrificial doves and lambs and stuff. Was Jesus proudly defending the rights of animals?
"Quit arguing you guys... If you really don't want the tofu lamb, I guess it's ok..."
No.
Was he protecting the workers in a one-man Occupy Temple Marketplace?
"I don't care if you ARE Hayekian! You don't give Triple A ratings to subprime mortgage-backed securities!"
Somehow I doubt it.
In reality Jesus was trying to prevent simony from occurring. He didn't want people to have to pay for stuff that they were dependent on for salvation. So yeah. Not really an OWS/ALF hippie.
"It angers me that you didn't bring the mint jelly, Mr. Sparrow. It's off to KFC with you."
5. Jesus blinds the chief enemy of Christians, turns him into the most important evangelist EVER
(Acts 9):
This was after Jesus had resurrected and ascended into heaven. He appears to Saul, the biggest persecutor of Christians at the time (as Paul was called at the time), and strikes Saul blind with the light of His divine awesomeness.
You see, Saul probably could've crushed or at least severely hampered the spread of Christianity, so Jesus arranged a little divine intervention to get him back on track.
(Acts 9):
This was after Jesus had resurrected and ascended into heaven. He appears to Saul, the biggest persecutor of Christians at the time (as Paul was called at the time), and strikes Saul blind with the light of His divine awesomeness.
You see, Saul probably could've crushed or at least severely hampered the spread of Christianity, so Jesus arranged a little divine intervention to get him back on track.
I feel sorry for the horse, personally
After being completely blinded, Saul was ordered to go have a pow-wow with another Christian in the area, where his sight was restored. He ends up being the most important missionary in Church history. Whereas before Paul, the Church existed mainly in Jerusalem and the surrounding towns, the Church AFTER Paul looked more like this:
Just think of all the frequent sailing miles he could've gotten
So along with Peter, Paul was probably the most important Christian of the Apostolic age.
So there's my list. I'd assign the regal mysteries for Saturday, because it's a badass day befitting them, and it'll remove a day from the Joyful mysteries, a.k.a. the lame ones.
I'll have another post up soon.
Sincerely,
The Bigot
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