The Headless Saint

A couple of days ago was the feast day of Saint Denis. Here's a statue of him from the facade of the lovely Notre Dame:

Yes, I know his head seems to be in the wrong location. This is because he was beheaded. But why is he shown holding his head? St. Paul was also beheaded, but he's never been depicted like this. 

Well, that's because Saint Denis was a badass.

According to legend, Saint Denis (after his beheading) carried his decapitated head. For six miles. Uphill. He preached a sermon the entire time too, which must of been pretty persuasive, considering that it was coming from the mouth of someone holding his own head...

In any case, he's now the Patron Saint of Paris, the town that had a love affair with the guillotine. Ironic, isn't it?

You can thank me now that I've given you your Halloween costume (Or not).

Sincerely,

The Bigot

P.S. Today is the beginning of the Year of Faith! Here's the sermon that the Pope preached today.

      And here's some plenary indulgences that the Holy See is issuing as special stuff for this year as well.

I NEED NATURE!!!!!!

When I was younger, my family took me to places all over America. Places that look like this:

And like this:

And now, every year, I have hiking withdrawal... I have it bad right now... (bonus points if you can guess these locations).

I'll have a longer post up soon.

Sincerely,

The Bigot

St. Francis: NOT A STUPID HIPPIE!!!!

A lot of people feel that St. Francis is the patron Saint of hippies, cute fuzzy animals, and Catholics that never attend mass. But he was not a hippie. Those who believe so are stupid. He was a real Saint, and followed the teachings of the Church.
So stop.
He's not a hippie.

Sincerely,
The Bigot

This "Discipleship" S**t Pisses Me Off...

A lot of my friends and I have been really hurt by the "discipleship" movement, so this article hits pretty close to home: The Other Side of Discipleship. I don't agree with everything this guy says, and I didn't experience the worst case scenarios in this article, but it can happen to anyone...

Please people, watch out for organizations that use techniques like this. They exist in both Protestant and Catholic circles. Use caution. Don't get abused.

Complete and utter bullshit.

In case you haven't guessed by now, yeah, I'm feeling pretty mad right now.

Sincerely,

The Bigot.

Badass Rosary Mysteries

This post is about the rosary, so for those of you who don't know what the hell the rosary is about or how it is prayed, look here.

I love the rosary. Don't get me wrong. But a lot of the meditations/mysteries are pretty lame. Especially the joyful mysteries. I mean, the visitation, really? A pregnant old lady feels a baby kick because the baby can hear Mary's voice (actually that's pretty cool). But still. I can't stand meditating on some of those mysteries. So I'm advocating a more masculine/hardcore set of gospel passages. I'm going to call them the badass mysteries of the rosary (for those of you that want them to have a more appropriate and prayerful sounding name, we'll call them the "Regal" mysteries).

So here's my set:

Badass (Regal) Mysteries of the Rosary:


1. Jesus tells His disciples to eat his flesh and drink His blood: (John 6, bread of life discourse):

Some of you Protestants are going "whoa, hey, Jesus meant it METAPHORICALLY!!!"

No He didn't.

If He had, he would've said that before his disciples started leaving Him. Instead, He emphatically repeated His statement, "Amen, Amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life within you."

So yeah. Deal.

Actually, Person. Jesus specifically.

2. Jesus claims to be the Messiah and his kinfolk almost throw him off a cliff. (Luke 4):

This is one of those stories that you really have to read the bible text (which I have here). It's practically out of a hollywood film: Jesus is in his hometown's synagogue and He reads this dramatic prophecy about the Messiah saving the world and stuff, a prophecy that's been read and cherished for hundreds of years. Jesus finishes the reading, sits down, and says,

"Today this prophecy has been fulfilled in your hearing." 

He's pretty much saying, "Yeah, you know that passage of Holy prophecy you all have been reading for a million generations? I just fulfilled it, bitches. Right now. As I was reading it. That's right. I'm the Messiah."

He's among friends and family, so you'd think he'd have home field advantage. But no. The congregants are pissed. They think he's blaspheming in a synagogue, which is about as uncool as being a Westboro Baptist at the Folsom Street Fair.

Whips, chains, and shirtless gay guys. Oh my...

So Jesus pisses off an entire town. Eventually they have him cornered on a cliff and are about to toss him off. But being God and all, Jesus faces them down and walks away peacefully. 

Because he can.

3. Jesus curses the fig tree (Matthew 21, Mark 11):

This was a really cool way for Jesus to create a teaching moment for His disciples. Jesus was hungry and was looking for some food. Whilst walking down a road, He comes upon a fig tree that has no figs on it. and curses it for not bearing fruit, because he was hungry (btw, figs weren't in season at the time). 

On the surface, this makes Jesus look totally insane. But He didn't really just get pissed off at a tree. He wanted to show the power of faith. He explains later to His disciples that if they have enough faith, they too can curse fig trees and even move mountains. In other words, Jesus gave the disciples mad lawn-scaping skills.

 "You're right, Peter - If we take out this fig tree, the road will be much more feng-shui."

The Apostles and their successors (the bishops) were from that moment on regarded as the best landscapers in the business, until they were driven into bankruptcy by the Franciscans and their money-grubbing ways...

4. Jesus Cleanses the Temple (Matthew 21, Mark 11, Luke 19, John 2): 

In this passage, Jesus wails on a bunch of entrepreneurs that were selling stuff in the temple like sacrificial doves and lambs and stuff. Was Jesus proudly defending the rights of animals?

"Quit arguing you guys... If you really don't want the tofu lamb, I guess it's ok..."

No.

Was he protecting the workers in a one-man Occupy Temple Marketplace?

"I don't care if you ARE Hayekian! You don't give Triple A ratings to subprime mortgage-backed securities!"

Somehow I doubt it. 

In reality Jesus was trying to prevent simony from occurring. He didn't want people to have to pay for stuff that they were dependent on for salvation. So yeah. Not really an OWS/ALF hippie.

"It angers me that you didn't bring the mint jelly, Mr. Sparrow. It's off to KFC with you."

5. Jesus blinds the chief enemy of Christians, turns him into the most important evangelist EVER
(Acts 9):

This was after Jesus had resurrected and ascended into heaven. He appears to Saul, the biggest persecutor of Christians at the time (as Paul was called at the time), and strikes Saul blind with the light of His divine awesomeness.
You see, Saul probably could've crushed or at least severely hampered the spread of Christianity, so Jesus arranged a little divine intervention to get him back on track.

 I feel sorry for the horse, personally

After being completely blinded, Saul was ordered to go have a pow-wow with another Christian in the area, where his sight was restored. He ends up being the most important missionary in Church history. Whereas before Paul, the Church existed mainly in Jerusalem and the surrounding towns, the Church AFTER Paul looked more like this:

 Just think of all the frequent sailing miles he could've gotten 

So along with Peter, Paul was probably the most important Christian of the Apostolic age.


So there's my list. I'd assign the regal mysteries for Saturday, because it's a badass day befitting them, and it'll remove a day from the Joyful mysteries, a.k.a. the lame ones.

I'll have another post up soon.

Sincerely,
The Bigot

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE REPLACEMENT REFS...

I, for one, am not worried about the referee issues plaguing the NFL. At least they have scheduled games... I want my hockey...

The Philadelphia Flyers are God's favorite sports team. And there's a lockout in the NHL right now. 

I'm pissed. Very pissed... 

(By the way, I was just on vacation and I have a lot of workdays ahead of me, but I'll have another post up soon, I promise).

Sincerely, 

The Bigot

My Feast Day!!!

Yay! Today is the feast day of St. John Chrysostom, an awesome guy who is the Patron Saint of Orators, education, public speakers, etc. He also wrote a lot on marriage and family life, which I would definitely recommend for reading. Some of his writings can be found on this website.

My favorite quote of his: "The road to hell is paved with the skulls of Bishops."

I really love our Bishops here in America though. They're awesome.

In any case, here an icon of my Patron.

I know, not the prettiest looking guy, but hey, he's my Patron, not my boyfriend.

I'll write more later. 

Sincerely,

The Bigot

Solving Conflicts with Profanity

It's been a while since I wrote my last post. Kind of went through a depressive phase for a bit of time there. So in order to avoid falling into depression again, I've decided to put my abortion series on hold until I feel a little better. I promise it will be written, just not right now.

Today's post is about Profanity! It's a universal part of language, and everybody has words that they feel should never be said. My hope is that I can sketch here some of the reasons behind our lists of profanities and see if we can find some common ground between liberals and conservatives on how they are to be used. 

But in keeping with my bigoted values, I will proceed to do this whilst simultaneously stereotyping each end of the political spectrum and denying completely the existence of independents and moderates. 

1) In order to achieve common ground on profanity, we must first identify the profanities themselves and the rationale behind the "tabooed" nature, so here below I have written lists and explanations for each political faction:

My first list is one that offends mainly conservatives, i.e. those men that have spontaneous erections when watching Red Dawn, and those women that think homosexuality is an abomination but would totally let Ayn Rand have lesbian sex with them.

“The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.”  

- actual quote, possibly taken out of context

Conservative American Profanities: Sex, body parts, and Deities

Ass

bastard 

bitch 

cock 

crap (semi-profane) 

damn 

dick 

fuck

Invoking "G-d" or other deities as an expletive (they've pretty much given up on this one)

pussy

shit 

tit(s) 

twat

vagina (applies only to residents of Michigan)

There are many more curses, especially if you include variations of root profanities. Most of these have to do with sex, body parts, and deities. Tabooing these profanities is in essence an attempt by conservatives to keep these things sacred. All these words in some way denigrate sex (by reducing it to mere physicality or irreverently treating the act), the human body (including the excretory system), or religion (this should be self-explanatory). This list highlights, in a way, the values of conservatives, who attempt to preserve the sacred nature of long-standing traditions and institutions.

Now to those college-type liberals that mourn our patriarchal capitalist society and list their profession as "Equal-opportunity Tree-Hugger.":

All trees deserve a hug...

    

I've heard some of you utter statements such as, "Conservatives need to learn that curse words have no inherent power. They're just words." 

Essentially, you're claiming that tabooing words is an outmoded attempt to stigmatize thought. All words are acceptable when placed in proper context, and conservatives need to quit being such hard-asses. 

My answer to you is simply this: 

Liberal List: Gays, Genders and Ethnicity

Beaner

Chinaman: See video below

Chink

Coon

Cracker (possibly acceptable, as it refers to white people)

Darkie

Dyke

Fag

Feminazi

Fig-eater

Gook

Kike

Nigger

If you're a liberal and you have no problem with these words, then at least you're consistent

For the rest of my reading audience, I hope you recognize that the main bulk of these words consist of ethnic slurs, sexist terms, and anti-same-sex-orientated remarks. We don't usually refer to these words as curse words because they aren't normally used as expletives. But they are taboo words all the same, and have the same ability to identify the values of the stereotypical liberal. 

Your basic liberal recognizes that our ancestors were ignorant in many ways and historically treated certain groups of people with undeserved hatred and abuse (except for the Catholics, they still hate those guys). The tabooing of these words is an attempt by liberals to protect individuals from outmoded prejudice and old-fashioned bigotry. This highlights the values of liberals, namely, the protection of those historically disadvantaged groups, and the restructuring and refinement of society for the benefit of all.

But the question still remains: Where can conservatives and liberals find common ground on this issue? There may be overlap between them on the tabooing of these words (conservatives rarely utter racist slurs anymore), but these two groups have definite differences between their list or "canon" of profanity.

To put it simply, we can find agreement in one word: Cunt.

No, I don't know what the grey writing means, 

I just found it on a google image search.

This word is almost universally tabooed in America. It is hated by conservatives because it refers to female genitalia, and liberals hate it because it is used as a sexist slur against women. It is the perfect storm of profanity.

I believe that in this simple, monosyllabic word, we have found a taboo word that is recognized as vulgar by the vast majority of Americans, and we have thus discovered a starting point for a social contract regarding foul language. We find common feelings of offense at this word, and therefore we can gain a sense of the feelings generated when we use the taboo phrases of others. This universal verbal provocation is the beginning of what I hope will become a mutual respect for each other's taboos. Although I have no ability to enforce this rule, I will present here a set of guidelines for each belief group, and provide a few ways that we can start changing our country's use of profanity TODAY.

Guidelines on Profane Language:

For Conservatives:

• Recognize that our list of taboo words is not static. It changes over time. So don't get too pissed when the younger generation starts using words like "bullfeathers" and "dangit."

• Realize that when you use racial epithets and sexist slurs, they refer to real people, and recognize tht stereotypes can be used to promote mistreatment of real individuals.

• If you haven't stopped already, PLEASE stop using the word "fag." It's just not cool.

• If you regularly use the word "nigger," please stop reading this post and consider initiating the process of acting like a normal human being.

Example of something you can do TODAY to advocate a less profane culture:

The next time you're scraping dinner off the side of the road with your cousins (who are also your immediate family), and you feel tempted to make a racist joke, make a conscious decision to not let it out of your tobacco-stained mouth. 

The next time you're buying pork rinds at Wal-Mart and catch a glimpse of a flamboyantly dressed man, please refrain from calling him a fag. As a man who loves his paisley ties, this directive has personal relevance for me.

The next time you go to your favorite gun store, take the time to learn the actual name of the the brown-skinned man with the mustache working the cashier desk; "amigo" is not a polite substitute in most cases, especially considering that he probably speaks better English than you do.

No, it's not ironic that he's wearing that hat.

For Liberals:

• Recognize that there are such things as profane words. 

• Common decency asks that you refrain from profanity in public.

• Be extra careful with your language around children. Not everyone is as progressive/totally dickish/ignorant as you are when it comes to parenting.

• Please please, please, PLEASE, refrain from using deities' names as an expletive. If you're offended by the use of the term "fag," then consider the offense created when you use a deities' name as a substitute for other profane words. Yes, we know that you consider the concept of god to be an artificial construct of society. Some people feel the same way about sexual orientation. It doesn't matter who's right. Just stop being a dick.

Example of something you can do TODAY to help advocate a less profane culture:

As you march downtown in protest of the GOP's war on women, you might see a nearby police officer (it's always a male one) in riot gear that seems particularly reactionary and backward. He might act rudely towards you. He might shoot you dirty looks (or pepper spray). He might embody to you the entire tyrannical fascist patriarchal hegemonic system of western culture. But please, refrain from using your right to free speech as an excuse to hurl profane epithets at him. Remember, even if your words are directed at him, they can be heard by everyone downtown that's within earshot. Who knows, you might be overheard by a young, single, yet independent career woman who's on her way home from work, whose attempts to climb the male-dominated corporate ladder suffered a setback today when she was publicly insulted by her sexist, better-paid-but-less-qualified-male-boss (you know, the one that got promoted ahead of her). The words may not be directed at her, but she doesn't need to hear those nasty words. She just wants to soak in a warm bath with a glass of pinot grigio and relax while reading her collection of poems by Sylvia Plath. 

Sylvia Plath: hot feminist writer, a.k.a. Unicorn

So yeah. I hope that clears things up.

One last word on cussing to both of y'all: 

Please be nice. 

Don't be a dick.

Sincerely,

The Bigot.

The Abortion Holocaust: Prologue!

Hello All,

I told y'all previously that I was going to write an abortion post specifically on the immorality of aborting fetuses conceived in rape. But I felt like such a post would be meaningless. Before I could discuss the issue of rape conception/abortion, I'd have to explain why I know that abortion is wrong.

So I'm going to be writing a multi-part series arguing against the evils of abortion and the rights of the unborn.

It's going to be epic

Now unless I change my mind while writing these posts, the order will go essentially like this:

1. The Necessity of Government and Religion in the Abortion Debate
2. The Fetus is a Living Being
3. The Fetus is a Human Being
4. Unalienable Human Rights
5. Equality of Humanity, the Rights of the Fetus, and the Evil of Abortion
6. Tough Cases: Rape, Incest, Life of the Mother 

Maybe after writing all of these I'll make a cool infographic or something, who knows.

Now I know a few of you (know-it-alls) may be complaining, "The Bigot obviously doesn't understand that the concept of human rights is a historically created and philosophically unsustainable concept!"

If that's what you're thinking, then take comfort in the fact that I agree with you; humans certainly do not have self-evident rights. But this blog series is for the benefit of those who subscribe to enlightenment philosophy, (i.e. most Americans) and therefore human rights will be central to the argument. So stop whining.

Now for those of you who are pregnant and considering abortion, or have an abortion in your past, I warn you that my future posts may seem cold and calculated. They are meant to discuss the logical and moral issues surrounding abortion, not to provide counseling or help. Do not look for that here. (though you can feel free to email or facebook message me). Look here instead:

For those who are pregnant and considering Abortion, here's a list of numbers that will give you support:
http://www.gabrielproject.com/contacts.htm

For those who have had a previous abortion (Catholic): http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

For those who have had a previous abortion but are not Catholic: http://exhaleprovoice.org/after-abortion-support

In any case, I will have my first part posted soon and I look forward to the debate.

Hopefully it'll be more productive than this...

Sincerely,
The Bigot

Why Both Political Parties Deserve Multiple and Severe Incidents of Trauma Inflicted Upon their Testicles (I also endorse a candidate for the Presidency).

It seems, as will often happen during an election cycle, that sexual issues have once again become a major source of news coverage, crazed commentary, and vitriolic rhetoric.
 
I've usually tried to avoid the deranged rantings of political pundits over the years. But today... I've decided to add to it. So in addition to endorsing a candidate for the highest office in the land,  I will also add gratuitous and somewhat colorful commentary on each party.

ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So for those who don't follow politics, here's a quick overview of the recent political viewpoints concerning the governance of our various orifices, and why they are all (mostly) full of shit:

1) On the one hand you have Democrats who believe that in order to prevent the oppression of women we must save them from the "fatal" disease known as "PREGNANCY!"

In keeping with this belief, they claim (incorrectly) that women have the "right" to forcibly expel and exterminate living fetuses from their Uteri. Many Democrats (including our President) even support allowing doctors to deny care to fetuses that survive late term abortions.

In addition, Democrats claim the right to force employers to to pay for insurance plans that cover abortifacients and contraceptives, even if said employers religiously object to it. Democrats call this destruction of religious freedom "preventative care," but since most of the objecting Catholic organizations already cover contraceptives when they are prescribed for medical treatment (i.e. to treat Endometriosis), this whole fuss is essentially about forcing Catholic groups to pay for consequence-free boning...

Fighting for men's right to get laid women's right to choose!

This follows a tried and true strategy for politicians stuck in the middle of a recession: When people have no money, make it look like you're offering them free sex.

As much as free sex might appeal to a college-aged male like myself, the idea of more dead babies and restrictions on religion kind of overwhelms every other political or sexual consideration I might have.


2) On the other end of the aisle you have Republicans like Mitt Romney, all of whom are worried sick about the "fatal" prospect of another term for Barack Obama. They don't realize that they're not much better.

In order to draw contrasts with Obama's policies, they also have to claim a "right" to to forcibly spout their Objectivist/Hayekian vomit on an unsuspecting public. They also have to claim to be "pro-life" whilst supporting medicaid cuts and essentially giving pregnant women and mothers the economic middle finger. Now I do believe that, as a whole, Republicans are more pro-life than Democrats (and thus they will regrettably receive every vote I ever cast. But there's a high level of hypocrisy involved when they try to end abortion on one hand, yet do nothing to help the daily lives of pregnant women on the other. And it's pretty hard for a woman to decide to keep her child when situations like WOMEN BEING FORCED TO SHARE CUSTODY WITH THE MEN WHO RAPED THEM continue to occur. It seems like obvious problems such as the one above would be easy for Republicans to rally around and solve: It makes logical sense that women will have fewer abortions if they feel less financial and social pressure to do so. But since Republicans have prostituted themselves out to the Tea Party and aligned themselves with people who believe the government should stay ENTIRELY away from supporting the poor, they end up portraying themselves as cold and hateful people (as many of them are) because the normal republicans aren't numerous or powerful enough to offer realistic solutions. Normal Republicans are therefore forced to kowtow to the Teabaggers and act like they are totally conservatively hardcore. So wherever normal GOP'ers exist, they seem strange and indecisive because they're being forced to spout Misogynist bullshit and act like they actually believe it...

"Here's four words on how women can avoid rape: 'Barefoot. Pregnant. Kitchen. Cooking.'

Problem solved. (Unless you guys feel differently. I can go either way, doesn't matter)."

So I'm not really a supporter of Mitt Romney either...

3) And with the tragic circumstances of rape victims and their mistreatment by the GOP fresh in our minds, it is time turn ourselves to the ultimate representative of such idiocy, a man that would be most at home governing a congressional district with an average IQ of twenty. He is truly unique among Republicans, not merely for his ignorance of women's issues and disregard for science itself (which applies to most Republicans), but for the fact that his ignorance exceeds that of almost every right-winger. His incredible ignorance, combined with a complete inability to control his language during political events, has unleashed a wave of stupidity so overwhelming that it sated the hunger of every news outlet scavenging for evidence concerning the GOP's "War on Women."

War on Women as reported by the Huffington Post

This man has embarrassed himself in front of an entire nation, yet despite facing relentless opposition from all sides and boundless bipartisan criticism

despite the fact that he will probably never win an election in America ever again

despite the fact that he is now despised by at least half of the human race

 He has refused to back down.

He has refused to resign from the Senatorial race. He has decided to persevere

This man has courage. But he is so much more than just a brave man.

He is a Pioneer.

Indeed, this man is attempting a feat that no man, Republican or Democrat, has ever accomplished:

In keeping with the highest traditions of political service, and in a spirit of American ingenuity, innovation, and perseverance, this man, (if he be a mere mortal) has set out to achieve what has for so long been considered impossible: He is the first man ever to attempt to win public office after having firmly planted his head up his ass. And it remains there to this day...

Who could not be moved by such courage, such fearless defiance? Like a deer facing the headlights of its demise, This hero, despite his minor flaws, stands before the onslaught, blind to the defects in his character, deluding himself that he still has a chance of winning, that he still has a chance to make a difference. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Todd Akin for President

Disconnected from reality. Misogynist.

True American.

Join the movement here!

Sincerely,

The Bigot.

P.S. For my next blog post, I will be outlining why abortions should be illegal in cases of rape, and in fact, for any reason outside of preserving the life of the mother. So be sure to stay tuned. =)